struggle

World full of pain

The raindrops fall along the hard cold ground
she stands there as her world comes crumbling down.
The winter’s cold runs through out her veins
you wouldn’t know spring was on its way.
Tears fill up her tired eyes as she tries so hard not to cry
Why did she even bother to try?

You claimed you had loved her
Built her up with your kind gentle words.
Then knocked her down just to destroy her
as you sat there grinning from ear to ear.
You walked away so very happily every time
while she laid there struggling to survive.

Now years later she always wonders why
Herself she could never ever find.
When all these years you controlled her
Every decision filled with your endless lies.
Any form of happiness was vanished without a trace
You loved the misery and pain that appeared on her face.

Looking in the mirror she faces the cold hard truth
she hates the person she has come to be.
Anxiety that controls everything she wants to do
depression preventing her to look at life like she needs to.
A heart that has been filled so much hate
blinds her from seeing that love cant change her fate.

Copyright © 2014 Tasha Badger
All rights reserved

This is me.

I was asked not to long ago If I could go back in time and change my anxiety. Get rid of it completely and not ever suffer from it. At the time I didn’t know how to answer but after thinking about it now I know my answer. I would not go back and change a thing. Maybe if they had asked me months before I would of instantly said yes but now I would instantly say no. Reason for this is because anxiety has helped me become the person I know I always could be. It made me more aware of other people’s feelings and struggles. Having anxiety disorders like agoraphobia, social anxiety, panic disorder and generalized anxiety disorder has helped me become a stronger person. Taught me to pick myself up after falling into a deep black hole when no one supported me. Or lent out a hand to pick me up. For the longest time I was taught that having anxiety disorders and depression was not normal. That it made people seem crazy or psychotic. Truth is that stigma is not true. Only time I was suicidal was when I was teenager but that was because no one could understand or accept the changes I was going through. I was often put down because of it. Ridiculed because I couldn’t even bare to be out in public without an attack. For the longest time I wanted my family to finally accept me and understand but now I don’t care if they ever do. I understand why they couldn’t and still cant. They haven’t experienced the misery that anxiety can cause. The pain and self hate that you feel towards yourself. They will never know the release to feel a blade glide against their skin just to feel something or the extreme hate of being afraid all the time. Having anxiety is truly a nightmare but with help or guidance it can easily be controlled. You can live your life again and in the end you do find yourself. Know your limits and who to keep around. I may of hated the fact I had it and was made to feel ashamed but today Im learning that it is a part of me. Always will be. I just had to make the big decision of whether I was done letting it control my life. To not live life the way I was suppose to. Today I still have my anxiety disorders but with the help of my therapist im finally learning to let go of the past and live for today. I have developed coping methods to help me when im feeling anxious and writing is still playing a big part if my life. One day I hope my story will inspire someone to not give up.

 

Copyright © 2014 Tasha Badger
All rights reserved

The person with anxiety

From the time I was 12 I was diagnosed with several anxiety disorders and severe depression. To this day I still have it and probably always will. Some days it is hard to deal with and there are periods of time when I forget I even have it.  People often judge people like me because they can not even begin to understand it. Having anxiety is not something to be ashamed of. Think of it as a physical medical illness. Left untreated it can get worse but treating it helps you get better. The only thing that is different is anxiety is harder to overcome then a simple physical medical illness. It can take months to a several years before someone can begin to feel like themselves again. The person has to be willing to make a change and overcome it. Without that commitment and drive the person is letting the anxiety win. They are choosing to hide. I often made excuses not to try because living with anxiety was all I had ever known. It was what I was known for and I was truly scared to show the world who I really was. Then after my first son was born I began not to care. I lived my life for him and slowly I got a new identity. I was no longer the girl with anxiety but a mother. I was in college and at that point my life had meaning. I had reasons to try. Goals I wanted to reach and were actively trying to accomplish.  Yes I still struggled with anxiety but I wasn’t letting it control my life. Sure I was shy but i`m normally a shy person and that is okay. That is who I am. Some people could not accept that and often made me feel like it was the anxiety but it was not. It was just me. I`m not the type of person to randomly go up to someone and start a conversation. I`m not rude and interrupt someone when they are talking to someone else. I respect people.  If something does not interest me i`m not going to talk because I have no opinion on the matter. People like that are not good people to keep in your life. All they will do is blame the anxiety part for everything and that is not a healthy thing to do. Like I said previously your always going to struggle with anxiety but it comes and goes through out life. When it strikes just be prepared for it. Go to therapy. Get the proper medications. Expose yourself to what is making you uncomfortable. When your facing your anxiety that is all you can do.  You just have to decide for yourself if your willing to take on that fight. If your ready to stop making excuses and most of all if your tired of feeling so helpless. You don’t have to be the person who has anxiety and wont leave the house. Be the person you know you are and stop letting yourself go.

Copyright © 2014 Tasha Badger
All rights reserved.