depression

World full of pain

The raindrops fall along the hard cold ground
she stands there as her world comes crumbling down.
The winter’s cold runs through out her veins
you wouldn’t know spring was on its way.
Tears fill up her tired eyes as she tries so hard not to cry
Why did she even bother to try?

You claimed you had loved her
Built her up with your kind gentle words.
Then knocked her down just to destroy her
as you sat there grinning from ear to ear.
You walked away so very happily every time
while she laid there struggling to survive.

Now years later she always wonders why
Herself she could never ever find.
When all these years you controlled her
Every decision filled with your endless lies.
Any form of happiness was vanished without a trace
You loved the misery and pain that appeared on her face.

Looking in the mirror she faces the cold hard truth
she hates the person she has come to be.
Anxiety that controls everything she wants to do
depression preventing her to look at life like she needs to.
A heart that has been filled so much hate
blinds her from seeing that love cant change her fate.

Copyright © 2014 Tasha Badger
All rights reserved

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How do you feel now.

How does it feel now?
Knowing you cant throw me around
like a lost little puppy….
just wanting someone to lean on

How does it feel now?
To know I am free from you
the abuse and all the agony
that you put upon me

How does it feel now?
To watch me succeed
as your world comes falling down
Im the mother that you could never be

How does it feel now?
to know your secrets are exposed
as I am finally set free
from the pain that you caused me

How does it feel….
How do you feel now?
to know that you havent won
that part of my life is gone

 

Copyright © 2014 Tasha Badger
All rights reserved

Hate will win

This built up anger
is killing me inside
slowly … painfully
I can feel myself die
nothing can describe
how much hate
that flows inside
every inch of anger
flows through my blood
poisoning my life
my tired painful eyes
All the yelling
and the abuse
replay in my head
this scared little girl
you happily created
finally reached the end
The peices shattered around
im left vulnerable again
Hate will always win

 

Copyright © 2014 Tasha Badger
All rights reserved

Judgements.

Judgements.

You can never tell if one simple smile is fake or real. People are good at hiding how they really feel. I know I am. Years of practice. As long as people think that my anxiety disorders doesn’t exist it makes me feel a little bit better. I would never want to let people see how terrified I can get being out and about in public. I would only get badly judged for being weak and different. So to avoid all this criticism of others I hide.

This is me.

I was asked not to long ago If I could go back in time and change my anxiety. Get rid of it completely and not ever suffer from it. At the time I didn’t know how to answer but after thinking about it now I know my answer. I would not go back and change a thing. Maybe if they had asked me months before I would of instantly said yes but now I would instantly say no. Reason for this is because anxiety has helped me become the person I know I always could be. It made me more aware of other people’s feelings and struggles. Having anxiety disorders like agoraphobia, social anxiety, panic disorder and generalized anxiety disorder has helped me become a stronger person. Taught me to pick myself up after falling into a deep black hole when no one supported me. Or lent out a hand to pick me up. For the longest time I was taught that having anxiety disorders and depression was not normal. That it made people seem crazy or psychotic. Truth is that stigma is not true. Only time I was suicidal was when I was teenager but that was because no one could understand or accept the changes I was going through. I was often put down because of it. Ridiculed because I couldn’t even bare to be out in public without an attack. For the longest time I wanted my family to finally accept me and understand but now I don’t care if they ever do. I understand why they couldn’t and still cant. They haven’t experienced the misery that anxiety can cause. The pain and self hate that you feel towards yourself. They will never know the release to feel a blade glide against their skin just to feel something or the extreme hate of being afraid all the time. Having anxiety is truly a nightmare but with help or guidance it can easily be controlled. You can live your life again and in the end you do find yourself. Know your limits and who to keep around. I may of hated the fact I had it and was made to feel ashamed but today Im learning that it is a part of me. Always will be. I just had to make the big decision of whether I was done letting it control my life. To not live life the way I was suppose to. Today I still have my anxiety disorders but with the help of my therapist im finally learning to let go of the past and live for today. I have developed coping methods to help me when im feeling anxious and writing is still playing a big part if my life. One day I hope my story will inspire someone to not give up.

 

Copyright © 2014 Tasha Badger
All rights reserved

Carry on

You knocked me down
so many times before
watched while I hit the
hard cold empty ground
while these cracked pieces
shattered all around
I laid there so lifeless
so exposed and broken
drowning in the endless tears
that I had hidden deep inside
Standing there hovering over me
you think you have won
little do you know the fight has just begun
Like all the times before
ill pick myself up
tape my pieces together
and simply carry on

Copyright © 2014 Tasha Badger
All rights reserved

The Cut

These scars have finally faded
along my arms and wrist
the haunting memories remain
they will always exist

I remember each cut
I can still feel the blade
as it glided along my soft skin
I could finally breath again

Sitting there staring into space
I felt the tears stream down my face
such a blank expression
my heart drowned with such hate

Looking down I see the blood
leaving streaks of red behind
draining the hurt and tears
leaving me so very numb and unafraid

I will always remember everything
Still see it when I close my eyes
Felt such emptiness within
most times I didn’t want to exist

Copyright © 2014 Tasha Badger
All rights reserved