I was asked not to long ago If I could go back in time and change my anxiety. Get rid of it completely and not ever suffer from it. At the time I didn’t know how to answer but after thinking about it now I know my answer. I would not go back and change a thing. Maybe if they had asked me months before I would of instantly said yes but now I would instantly say no. Reason for this is because anxiety has helped me become the person I know I always could be. It made me more aware of other people’s feelings and struggles. Having anxiety disorders like agoraphobia, social anxiety, panic disorder and generalized anxiety disorder has helped me become a stronger person. Taught me to pick myself up after falling into a deep black hole when no one supported me. Or lent out a hand to pick me up. For the longest time I was taught that having anxiety disorders and depression was not normal. That it made people seem crazy or psychotic. Truth is that stigma is not true. Only time I was suicidal was when I was teenager but that was because no one could understand or accept the changes I was going through. I was often put down because of it. Ridiculed because I couldn’t even bare to be out in public without an attack. For the longest time I wanted my family to finally accept me and understand but now I don’t care if they ever do. I understand why they couldn’t and still cant. They haven’t experienced the misery that anxiety can cause. The pain and self hate that you feel towards yourself. They will never know the release to feel a blade glide against their skin just to feel something or the extreme hate of being afraid all the time. Having anxiety is truly a nightmare but with help or guidance it can easily be controlled. You can live your life again and in the end you do find yourself. Know your limits and who to keep around. I may of hated the fact I had it and was made to feel ashamed but today Im learning that it is a part of me. Always will be. I just had to make the big decision of whether I was done letting it control my life. To not live life the way I was suppose to. Today I still have my anxiety disorders but with the help of my therapist im finally learning to let go of the past and live for today. I have developed coping methods to help me when im feeling anxious and writing is still playing a big part if my life. One day I hope my story will inspire someone to not give up.
Copyright © 2014 Tasha Badger
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