Month: October 2013

The Cut

These scars have finally faded
along my arms and wrist
the haunting memories remain
they will always exist

I remember each cut
I can still feel the blade
as it glided along my soft skin
I could finally breath again

Sitting there staring into space
I felt the tears stream down my face
such a blank expression
my heart drowned with such hate

Looking down I see the blood
leaving streaks of red behind
draining the hurt and tears
leaving me so very numb and unafraid

I will always remember everything
Still see it when I close my eyes
Felt such emptiness within
most times I didn’t want to exist

Copyright © 2014 Tasha Badger
All rights reserved

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The person with anxiety

From the time I was 12 I was diagnosed with several anxiety disorders and severe depression. To this day I still have it and probably always will. Some days it is hard to deal with and there are periods of time when I forget I even have it.  People often judge people like me because they can not even begin to understand it. Having anxiety is not something to be ashamed of. Think of it as a physical medical illness. Left untreated it can get worse but treating it helps you get better. The only thing that is different is anxiety is harder to overcome then a simple physical medical illness. It can take months to a several years before someone can begin to feel like themselves again. The person has to be willing to make a change and overcome it. Without that commitment and drive the person is letting the anxiety win. They are choosing to hide. I often made excuses not to try because living with anxiety was all I had ever known. It was what I was known for and I was truly scared to show the world who I really was. Then after my first son was born I began not to care. I lived my life for him and slowly I got a new identity. I was no longer the girl with anxiety but a mother. I was in college and at that point my life had meaning. I had reasons to try. Goals I wanted to reach and were actively trying to accomplish.  Yes I still struggled with anxiety but I wasn’t letting it control my life. Sure I was shy but i`m normally a shy person and that is okay. That is who I am. Some people could not accept that and often made me feel like it was the anxiety but it was not. It was just me. I`m not the type of person to randomly go up to someone and start a conversation. I`m not rude and interrupt someone when they are talking to someone else. I respect people.  If something does not interest me i`m not going to talk because I have no opinion on the matter. People like that are not good people to keep in your life. All they will do is blame the anxiety part for everything and that is not a healthy thing to do. Like I said previously your always going to struggle with anxiety but it comes and goes through out life. When it strikes just be prepared for it. Go to therapy. Get the proper medications. Expose yourself to what is making you uncomfortable. When your facing your anxiety that is all you can do.  You just have to decide for yourself if your willing to take on that fight. If your ready to stop making excuses and most of all if your tired of feeling so helpless. You don’t have to be the person who has anxiety and wont leave the house. Be the person you know you are and stop letting yourself go.

Copyright © 2014 Tasha Badger
All rights reserved. 

Changes

Everyone goes through changes in life. Some good and some bad. Changes are always being made in life and there is nothing anyone can do about it. Changes change us and help us grow. There will always be that one change that changed who we are. The change that defines us for the rest of our lives. I remember thinking as a teen that what was going to define me was having a successful job. I was wrong. The moment that I found out I was pregnant with my oldest changed my life forever. First thoughts were what am I going to do to how am I going to support my child? The baby’s father didn’t help either. He was in just as much shock as I was. I made the choice to have the baby and im glad that I did. The moment I saw my son for the first time I knew what love at first sight meant. My heart was filled was so much love. From that point on I knew I would do anything for that tiny little boy. That day I became a mother. A title that I hold proudly. Being a mother is my first priority and always will be. This is a change that im glad happened to me. A change that saved me and helped me grow.

 

Copyright © 2014 Tasha Badger
All rights reserved.